Donnerstag, 4. April 2013

In Retrospection: 2012 - Summary of a year in motion up here on "MANSLAUGHTER THUG LIFE"; Chapter I: 2012 from a personal private point of view

(Note 1: I still must correct the mistakes in this text and I will do so as soon as possible for sure, I mean I already did one correction reading term but I think that I surely haven't catched up and corrected all of the mistakes in this one, anyhow, but right now I just want to finally post it right here, right now, after it was now nearly two long months in the making, and a week or so of the third month for a first correction read term.)
This is the very first post of the "Retrospection 2012" posting series. Any questions open about it will be answered soon, just read through the following introduction words. This very post here is a very personal and private one, before you get your usual fix up here. Read on!!! Cheers!!!

(Listen to and trust the mighty JCVD!!!)
(Note 2: Blogger sucks!!! This post seems to be too big to be posted in/at once, so I had to cut it into some pieces which will be defined by the different chapters of this post (if this works out and Blogger isn't saying "No!" again). This sucks and isn't how I planned it and it also destroys pretty much the dynamics and aesthetics of this post, but after it seems like there is no other way to get it all finally I would say that I have to do it this way anyhow if I want to or not. Just that you know, why this post is cutted into several posts and why it is maybe a little bit strange to read. I'll try it to do it like a blog, so that the first post with the first part comes first up on the screen when you direct your browser to this very blog here and that from then on you can read through the first part and move down on the screen to each following part so that the chapter first you can easily read first when you browse to this very site and then read on through the following chapters if you want to do so with scrolling down the screen and turning the pages on this very blog. It's now how I planned it and it is even anything but not good, but I can't handle it in any other way. So, keep in mind, this one is an ongoing story that spreads about five parts following one after another on this very post which is the first part of this ongoing story. I know, this sucks... but trust me, it wasn't planned this way: Say your thanks for this fucking mess to Blogger...!!! Now just let us hope that it at least works like I described it some few sentences and words ago and then hopefully you will enjoy it.)

(That's how it fucking is!!!)

And now after the dust have settled and all old business is finished while new business is being put on the waiting line it's time to take a look back at times that passed us by and this means here and now that it is time to have a look back at what was going on in 2012. And this will be long, a long look back, trust me, just that you know about it. Here we go: So, yes, you know what is now coming, here comes the retrospection or review on 2012 up on your dear "MANSLAUGHTER THUG LIFE" blog. And yes, again a little bit late but this time just two months (I mean three months) and not six months like last year, hm, so we will see, if this trend goes on the retrospection or review on 2013 then will maybe come up just prompt in time, finally again. I mean, look, cutting down the waiting line from six to just two respectively three months means four months respectively maybe three months less than last year (okay, okay, not maybe but definitely three months later but that would make it anyway three months less and that's still pretty good after all compared with last year), if I manages it to keep it up, right, you got it I think so. And, by the way, 2012 was a sort of a ''rebuild'' of me and my life, so this retrospection on the year of 2012 will be a little bit longer and done more personal than the retrospections up here before and probably also pretty sure than the future year reviews or retrospections, just that you know it. If you aren't interested in this personal ego-trippin' stuff (and why should you, so maybe or pretty sure I will write this just for myself or something else like this, but anyhow, it feels already good just thinking about writing it all down finally) then just scroll down to the parts dealing with music and this stuff, be sure that there you will find also enough to keep you staying reading for a while. This was now for about two to three months in the making and it will give you in something like around five chapters or so a retrospection of or on 2012 and also a outlook on some serious changes that will happen from now on in the future here on this very blog and the way how it is run by me, and okay, this long working time on it of two months or so, yes, that's why nothing new came up in this time, and now I'm a little bit fed up with sitting infront of my PC being busy with tipping countless words in it, haha, so maybe you have to wait a little bit for new stuff up here to come again, haha, just that you know about it ;-) . So, okay, let's go, that's it, here we go, here it is...

The ''Big Lou'', Lou Ferrigno, is one of us. :D

Note: This is a really long, I mean a very long article - being cutted into five pieces, thanks to Blogger. 2012 was a year in which many happened and I decided to cover it all here in and with this retrospection post. The first (and probably also maybe the last) post dealing with a lot of personal stuff and let us call it ''evolutionary aspects'' that take a lot of place as their occupied room. It was somehow important to me to write it down, even I done it just basically for myself, that's my aim and so I do think it's in the end, and this is or would all good and fine at the end of the day. If you read it anyhow, cool, thanks for your interested and time. Also you find the usual review on music and scene stuff up here, but this time also, so I think, by far more detailed than before, to pay some honour to the bands and the music. Then you will find also a lot of other stuff that was anyhow important in 2012, at least to me, as well as a short or not so short at all outlook on what will happen here in the future and how things will change. Okay, that's it. Now starts the retrospection of/on 2012, take some time if you want to read it all at once and then better bring something to eat and drink along with you or maybe better try not to read it all at once and give it some more reading sessions ;-) , if you are interested in it. (PS: Maybe it isn't all that politically correct, keep that in mind and if you feel offended by something, hey, it's just my subjective view on it, that's it, calm down.)

*** A year in review: 2012 - up on "MANSLAUGHTER THUG LIFE" ***

"My instinct was to win, eliminate anyone who was my competition, destroy my enemy, and move on without any kind of hesistation at all."
(Arnold Schwarzenegger, 1977)
Never forget - Lesson and experience no. # 1 in life:
Be prepared for anything that may come and no matter what you do just give it anything you have, no matter what it may takes to reach your aims!!!
It's all about the blood, the sweat, and the tears!!!

There was once a better time... and it will return one day!!!
Part One - 2012 from a personal standpoint: The private stuff

That's how it is, so cherish the positive aspects and work through the
negative ones instead of bitching around because of them,
better to fight through the worse than be dead at all.
Okay, where to start?!? Maybe here, a little bit more far back in time: In 2011. It was in every possible way a terrible year. I was acting like some stupid idiot on so many fronts, I can't tell it all to ya. While the first half of the year was all in all still ''okay'', or at least I was still able to tell something like this to me every day and bravely did so, latest from July 2011 on I was stucked up to my ears in thick stinky shit. In some sort of a what ever relation to a girl that somehow more and more used to eat me and my whole life up. I won't go in it more and won't go in it too detailed because it's still a private thing but on a emotional level as well as in a financial and also social way it really nearly destroyed me, on and on quite a bit more and more. And while I was always telling myself that this whole bullshit was just making me sick and got no future and that it can't go on so it had also a very big influence, and negative one, on my whole life on every part or sector of it and so when I ended it finally really in the December 2011 and not just somehow like in the July/August 2011 when I should have done so anyhow it was really about time and I really cutted it down to nothing by any consequences. Okay, that this fucked up b***h (won't say her name again, would be too much attention for her) is still somewhat of stalking me (or at least still did so in December 2012) over a year later says maybe also quite a bit about what a bullshit farce this was and how s**k she actually was/is, two things which I nearly over a year if not over two years refused to see. So, that was also something in the back of my head that made it easy for me to cheer up to the recent house moving in late December 2012, so that some sh****ce don't know anymore that precisely where I, where we, Jane and me, live. Latest in this time of this two years or so with this b***h I became your ordinary mindless idiot, something that I never wanted to become, and I really didn't realized early enough how much influence she had on my life and how negative this influence or impact really was, also something I never wanted to have in my life, and when I finally realized it after the first one and half years I still needed a half year to really draw my consequent consequences and ended it, because she knew how to get me with all her bullshit a******a (n*****a) crap and that she wanted to ''cure herself'' from it for ''us'' and that she would need my help again and again and again and again for it all... yes, I am some sort of a ''social and empathic guy'' even I usually don't want to be that, and she really found out about it in this two years and knew to deal and play her cards very, very well, clever little s**k b***h, but then finally one day all of her cards were played and I played out finally mine. Finally. By far too late. But better late than never. Anyhow, what is finished is finished and hopefully also this stalking crap will be done soon, and this forever. Mindsick freaks and scum!!! I will never return to this state of being a ordinary idiot ever again, period. Never wanted to be what I hate so much. Never. And yes, I swored to myself: Never again to embrace any kind of scumbags in my life... never!!!

But it wasn't only this little sick b***h and also not only what I had become and how I acted in this two years of this some what however crappy bullshit relationship, and also not only both things packed up together in one desperate package, that made me sick and marked how fucked up my life used to become over the last few years that passed. It weren't also all the misfortune and all the unreasonably taking the piss out of me treatment by bullshit authorities and also and not to forget all the bad actings and wrong decisions of me, myself and I, it was all this and much more packed together. And, anyway, Won't tell more about it, some stuff better reminds unwritten, or something so like this you might can say. Looking back at it from now on I made a lot of terrible decisions in a sort of a more and more thoughtless and mindless, a ''headless'' way and I made it easy for me, myself and I and instead of pulling the emergency break and rearrange in time I wasn't stopping but accelerating drastically and finally crushed in a wall, again and again. What a idiot. I mean myself. So I started to build a comfort zone out of putting the blame on anyone and anything else than me and all this stuff one might to know when you choose the easy way out of a bad luck situation. I forgot founding principles of my life and made it me comfortable in my comfort zone... but somewhere deep in my head I always knew that this was the wrong way to go, that this was the wrong way to go, the wrong way to live a life, my life, and I really needed to take control of it again, not at least to finally (re-) create my own future. This crap, this farce was going on since 2008 (or at least it started slowly then at the end of this year), since I've done my examinations'n'graduations, so for long enough, it really had to change drastically and as soon as in any way possible. But that was much easier said than done, and this leads us to my starting point of 2012 and what this year means to me, also in a review on it, and so here we go ahead...

In December 2011 finally I met her again, which means: I met Jane again, my girlfriend, the woman at my side since then and thank the almighty Buddha (or whom or what ever else) for that. I first met her a month before at a party of a friend and was right from the start totally fascinated and blown away by her and so when we met again it made click and I remembered what counts most and set sails to conquer, and so I did. And so now here we stand, managed to go through a lot shit this year, from financial problems (especially or better: solely on my side of the bed with paying for it that I as a working class kid decided to go to study at a university a decade ago - and no, it didn't take a decade for me to do my examinations which I did in Political Sciences, Philosophy, Psychology, German Language and Linguistics, Pedagogy - and for this barefaced decision I still pay big portions of my picayune money income thanks to great and just decisions of our elected german political leaders back then) to a lot of trouble, stress and strife and we managed to stand heads up tall and proud and happy to be together. So my 2012, my back then new year started not in January 2012 but already in December 2011 when I finally started to rearrange myself, find myself finally again, came back to who I am, and with meeting her, Jane, a lot which means not at least and especially me changed finally again to the better. When I today think and talk about the two years of 2010 and especially 2011 (2008 and 2009, when it all started, weren't that wrong after all... even not good in any way...) it feels sometimes just like "WTF?!?" but we are all the ones that are in control of ourselves and of our lifes and so we have all the power and hold all the force to change what ever may is there to change. Surely in some parts we need help to make it a success, but it's pretty simple: You have to want and to act to start it to change what goes wrong, and even it takes time, it's you who matters, you who must do it, the world don't waits for you and the world don't makes a step up on you in your direction to make it easier for you. You must do it for and by yourself, no one else will make it for you. It's easy. It's hard. But it's easy. I will never ever forget about it anymore. So stopped being stucked in the rut and just got my ass up and started working hard and struggling harder. This is a old and easy thing and one of the first lessens in my life that my beloved parents teached me with telling it me and with living this way, with doing it all by themselves what they wanted to do and what they just anyhow could somehow do. And I was so incredible dissapointed at first or what ever you may can call it else that I somehow lost this old key wisdom out of my mind, eyes and head but I found it finally somewhere lying around again, I took it back and with it all the power and pride deep inside, took it back step by step. And finally came back to what I knew since I was a very young boy, which is plain and simple the lesson that at the end of the day and no matter how fucked up the circumstances are or ever had been at the end of the day it's just all about yourself - which means in my case: myself - if you want to make a change and tries to make it better than it is now. Even it's hard, it's all about moving out of your comfort zone, stop blaming anyone else, no matter how justificated this may be or better seem to you and whom else ever too, and start to focuss on yourself, no matter if again or for the first time ever, and smash all the crap that made your comfort zone, all the excuses and justifications and the blamings of or on others, fuck it, focuss on yourself and try to make it better, try to make it worth - maybe again... - and try to create something better, something new. So I did. So I finally did again. So I took responsibility back in my hands again. Back where it belongs.

And so, with all this old lessons back in my head, I also started to have a clear cold precise look at my life and what was going on, the state it was on, the state I was in. And it was all about time, not only because of me from now on, but also from now on because of Jane. I am now 31 years old, in the summer of 2013 I am becoming 32 years old, this is an age at where it is not funny anymore to be and to live on the rocks and without a job that really makes you own the money to pay your bills and to live your life in a proper way. So 2012 should become a keystone, already by looking now at it. Without having and without being able to find a real permanent position in the job in that I apprenticed and for which I scritinized and this now (which means in 2012) for four years, but the bills needed to be payed anyhow and how expensive life in general became I don't have to tell anyone, I started thinking about what must change, and I knew what to change. I felt and then I knew now for already quite a long while now. But anyway, this was a long process of thinking because it seemed to me as a incredible huge step and costed me not only some nights. It was like: "Am I failing? Was it all a failure?" And you know, that failure is not an option. This is on what I grew up and this is what I believe in, on which I based and base my life on. And the hardest thing is: I felt like a complete failure. It wasn't a good feeling. So in autumn 2012 I finally grabbed all my courage together and talked with Jane. After this it was clear what to do for me, she really beefed up my backbone, strengthened me up, strongly, and gave me the right feeling and this was to feel proud and then I talked to my parents, my family, and also they simply said: "Do it!!! We are there for you and support you!!! Do it!!! It's the best decision you can do now!!!" I started to feel better, that it was the right thing, to finally get up and go out again. And so I did it. And somehow I felt like my parents had expected this to come for already now a little bit longer. I made the step and made an application for a complete new and totally other job, and then it all went very quick, yes, really very quick, and so within three days I got it, the new job, and also the nomber one ranked job at my wishlist, but it's a job by which I am attracted by and was this over all the years but in which I must do now a new apprenticeship which means, and this was the problem for me, no money (or, you know it, only very few money). But okay, it may sound a little bit strange, but where no money was before it is not a so hard step to make to somewhere new where also currently no money is. I had to struggle before, and I must struggle now. But I am for Buddha's sake not alone anymore (and I never was it, also something that I refused to see before over the last two years in which I started to burn too much bridges, but thankfully I could rebuild them and especially the important ones) and got a lot of support from the persons that matter most. So, I am still paying my ass off from the only very few money that I have to pay the credit I needed to do or better to finally finish my scholastics and this really sucks but anyway, in just two years things will finally change to the far better (and this is already save) and what are two years in contrast of four years of just spending money that I don't had in a job in which I maybe could have a solid future in five to six years (if anyhow) due to my combination of disciplines that aren't really wanted at german schools and due to the german system of education policy, which means that I would find sooner work in other european countries than in the first federal state next to the one in which where I live because in this next federal state my examination isn't canonical while in other european countries or in the United States, hell, even in Australia or even in some sandholes in Africa or the Middle East or in the coldness of Mother Russia or the exotic flair of China or other countries of the far east this would be no problem. But here it is because I simply don't have the money for moving in another country, so that's not a real option after all. So I made that huge and important step which led me and will further on lead me finally into the world of the free business and that for good reasons. And it feels good and pretty much like a big and necessary change of direction in life. And, to be honest, I never really felt lucky in my old job so that my new perspective feels even better. Even the work with my pupils really made a lot of pleasure to me and I will miss it honestly a lot, heartfelt a lot and it says a lot that my former pupils still are in contact to and with me pretty often and that they discuss their future plans with me, and it was great to give them some knowledge in their hands that maybe opened their eyes to more than just the next up to date trend, but it never really contented me anyway and I never felt comfortable beneath all my several different teacher colleagues no matter at which of all the schools at which I worked over the last years and in the whole artificial system I moved in which is known as ''school''. I felt never like one of them and I vowed myself that I will never become one of them. Yes, a lot or the most had been (and pretty sure still are) nice people, without a doubt and it was in some cases also a pleasure to work with them together, but I was never your typical teacher and never wanted to be that and never had that much respect for that, and everyone knew or felt it. So, in no way I felt anyhow comfortable as a teacher, and most of my now former colleagues never felt that much comfortable with me, even I am also a pretty nice person in most cases, at least I guess so. Okay, but while my now former colleagues at the different schools had basically all some sort of their own problems with me because of that, but while my pupils loved me especially for and because of that, so I guess you see that's the thing of how and in far so do perspectives differ. But after I also never ever felt gratified and satisfied by the job as a teacher, even more beside the fact that I also never felt comfortable in this job, the decision to change the job feels anyway even more right and correct. And yes, especially with Jane on my side it gives me an even more better feeling to finally do the right thing again. Not only just for me, but for us both, Jane and me. So giving up and moving back in my comfort zone of blaming others and be angry with and on everyone and anyone else and this also including me but on a bizarre level where most of the guilt and the responsibility is anyhow pointed at others else isn't a option. Like failure isn't a option. But, to point it out again, there was a reason why I once decided to become a teacher and if this way wouldn't be blocked I probably pretty sure would be it and defintely I will miss my pupils, former, current and future ones, and the work with them, without a single doubt.

Beside this I had some other more detailed looks at my life and what to change, and I realized that it was finally about time to change something what I should have changed already before and what I already knew also for a pretty long time now... I definitely had to get rid of a lot of people, you know the deal, ''old friends'' or however I may used to call them once and this maybe with some justification. But today... With having nothing in common anymore (and asking if there ever was a real common ground beside drinking at the weekends once back in the days) and with stopping denying what a bunch of prideless shittalkers and backstabbers most of them are or turned into (don't know if they always were it and I wanted it not to see or couldn't see it because of all the countless amounts of alcohol that were freely flowing back then in the days or if they just turned into being this shitfaced over the last years or, to say it far more neutral, if we just developed in totally different directions) I really needed to call a lot of my old friendships a day and this without shedding a tear. Ended in 2012 more and more old friendships or what was left of them and made the step to start a whole bunch of new good ones and, of course, rearranged a whole lot of even older ones that somehow laid to rest over a lot of years but shouldn't have so in the first place. Met so many great new people in 2012 and so it was really about time to make the step and find the courage to end all stuff that wasn't anymore worth it and start new stuff to create something new. And so I did. And so we, which means Jane and me did. Beside old friendships I also decided to change even more in 2012 and beside Jane and my family and a whole bunch of new and new found old friends, good friends, it was also especially my sports, Bodybuilding, that gave me a lot and teached me even more and so I started on many fronts to create something new from all the stuff I found that was my life or what was left of it and started to created what now is my life, but that's just a roadstop, because it's work in progress to come to where I want to be, where I see myself, where I see Jane and me, and a lot more, it's all about creating what it shall and will be in the future, the plan contains three years, then the next steps will be planned and then made, but that's all future sounds, so here and now, right in the middle of the process of creating myself and my life new. And Jane had a big influence and impact on it, so I sweared myself never to fail her!!! Never to disappoint her!!! We gone in now a little bit over a year through more waves and stormy weather than others in five to ten years, but also and especially through even more good times, and so it's not just me who creates something new out of the old, but it's us, or it's not just for me, but for us. Never giving up, never giving in again, and never loose the lust for life and the hunger for more again. Staying hungry, staying active, strong, proud, tough and honest, short: staying hungry maybe the most important thing in life.

And now with some political (or something the hell like this anyway anyhow) doses and aspects in it:
If you want to change something, in your life, at the way you live your life, at yourself, at who you attract and by whom you are attracted, with who you spend your time, with you live your life, how you live your life, etc. pp., then always think about yourself at first. We all have the responsibility for us and for our lifes, we own the competence to live and to rule it, we are the ones that are at first to blame if we do something wrong or terrible stupid. Stop to blame others all the time, even if your blame maybe isn't placed that totally wrong and is with justifications exactly placed at where it belongs. But don't wait for others to change or to change something, don't wait for a change to come, just be that change by yourself, no matter how hard this may turn out to be. From my personal point of view and based on my personal experiences I came to the conclusion, and this is nothing but a view from a totally subjective perception, from my very own personal subjective perception and I don't want to piss anyone of, so calm down, but I made the experience that this blaming on others had something to do with strong leftist political ideas (pretty damn sure that it don't matter if you set here extremist right wing ideas instead of strong leftists political ideas, it's probably pretty sure the same because it pretty much should work the same way, only the chosen scapegoats will in some points differ from each other), that I held and hold by my own, that lead the direction to the easy way, that lead the direction into the above mentioned comfort zone, to put your blame on anyone and anything else, the system that corrupts and the nation that exploits and the country that violates and the politicians that try to do harm to you and the people of your class and all this stuff, and even some of this is maybe justified and correct, but at the end of the day it's just an easy way out and the wrong way to turn and go, easy and wrong because it all is nothing but an cheap excuse for living your life bitterly and poorly stucked in the rut, stucked in the mess your life has become in your self-made comfort zone. And all the more you get yourself heavily involved in it or the more you identify with it all and then start to get your enmeshed with it all more and more and the more justified in your own eyes you think this living in your very own comfort zone due to the totally unjust social and political circumstances, in large parts politically defined, is. I had to get rid of it, from a lot of it, drastically, because it's not about this easy thinking and about this taking of wrong turns, and so I got rid of it in large parts. It's about something else, it's about getting up, it's about you, in my case was and is it about me, myself, and I. So simple is it. It's about getting up, out of the mess, and it's you that must get up, no one else, and probably nobody else will help you with getting up and with putting the blame on anyone and anything else one does nothing of value, nothing of worth, nothing that leads in the right direction to get your life back on track again. I guess the easy way out is benefitted by conveying political ideas on the single private life of oneselve. All the crying about the unjust circumstances and this stuff. That's my experience. But that leads to nothing than more trouble, stress and strife and won't lead you to your goal. It won't lead you to getting up again. Better open your eyes to the real world and then start to finally get up again and look at what's wrong and then do what ever you can to change it, and not at least pretty much to change you, yourself and your ways of living, it's about you and the people you love, the people that matter most, get up for you, get up for them, the rest isn't that important after all. Stop bitching around this and that and how unjust it all is and how terrible dud anyone and anything had played along with you. Focus on the only significant factor in your life, and that's at the end of the day no one else than just you. And then don't you ever loose that focus again. Excuses are always there for anyone of us outta there who searches them for his/her own failures and his/her own desperate situation and the fact that he/she just stucks in there, they are always there and they will always be there, but opportunities won't. And it's this, this fucking opportunities that count in life, not the damn excuses. But in our society of today it is all about this excuses. Today we live in some sort of (a) ''therapy society'', that's how it seems to me. Everyone has for everything a excuse, and if he/she doesn't have it yet it's given to him/her promptly and also if necessary unasked. Today your're not fat, no, today you suffer at the illness of being adipose. Let me tell you what: No, you aren't ill, you are just fat. Hm, wait, what maybe about doing some sort of sports or just trying to live a somehow physical active life? Get up your fat ass, start to eat right or at least less of that garbage you swallow in tons down your throat, stop eating fast food like you wouldn't pay but would get payed for it, stop to swill down alcohol your neck like your life would depend on it, stop all this brainless crap and then wait a little bit and see, your fat goes away. No, you're not ill, you're just fat. No excuses. Oh, you have cheated your girfriend because you are addicted to sex. Uh, okay... that's hard, I guess. Damn it, who's not? Come on, your just a bullshit idiot who simply couldn't be trusty and loyal to his girfriend/woman, for what reasons ever, and probably not only in this case. Damn it, stand for your mistakes and live with the consequences. I only believe in your terrible sex addiction illness if you even can't resist a sixty years old fat, hairy, smelly, infected, transsexual prostitute s**t with a ass-c**t as big as a superhighway. So what, do you feel the heat risisng up? No? Ah, okay. Not that it makes me wonder that it is no heat that is rising in you, but some nearly physical illness bred in your stomach just by thinking about it. No excuses for your very own failures you little scumbag. Ah, and what about you? What do you say? You aren't able to get an errection and to make your girl satisfied anymore? You are suffering through a serious mental illness with physical consequences, so they told you and so you believe them... WTF?!? Start to say "No!" to some total garbage at work, avoid at least some stress, stop drinking continual your daily usual doses and amounts of alcohol, and maybe get a little bit active, also on a physical level, again, in your life, get yourself some positive feedback from and for yourself in something you love to do, and you will see that your lame d**k gets his head up to the sky again. No pills needed. No crappy therapies needed. Just a little bit work at yourself and at your habits that dominate your life. I guess you see where I am going, at where this is going, so no more examples needed. No excuses justified. No excuses wanted. Forget about all the easy excuses our oh so enlighted post-modern society offers to us and start to refocus on what really counts, what really is the problem, what and who really needs to change and how, in which way ever. Focus new, focus on this all and the opportunities that are just waiting for you to be seen and utilised. And no, I am not talking about those who are really victims and for which therapies are really there, victims of crimes, of disgusting rapes and victims that had been molested as a child, and other tortured souls like this. (This means also, for example: Oh, you've raped a woman because you suffer through a mental sickness and so you aren't responsible for what you had done, and also you mean that because of the way she used to dress this very day she was provoking actions like yours? No, you are just a worthless pervert lowlife scum and the rope already waits for you!!! And this means also, as another example: Ah, you say you aren't guilty for anything because the six year old girl/boy attracted you and demanded you to go fuck her/him? You have serious mental problems? No, you are nothing but a worthless subhuman pervert, point and fact. But you're right, you have some serious problems, and it's the "Bang! Bang! Bang!" my baseball brat is going to make on your head right now again and again, not stopping before the problem is finally solved, and the problem is you, you worthless scumbag!!!) No, I am not talking about cases like this, I am talking about all the oh so terrible suffering rest that needs for everything and against everything his/her pills, therapies, and so on and on and on, or in one short word: Excuses. It's bullshit! You brought it on you, so change it. Others brought it on you. However, get up, refocus, change it. Excuses are for the weak, and there are already enough weak sheeps ouuta there. Opportunities are for the winners, so grab life by its balls and take the control back in your hands. In two words: Change it! That's what matters most, if not solely. And I found myself also being totally stucked with my thinking and feeling in this kind of mentality of excuses for anyone and anything giving ''therapy society'' idea. But no, it was all about me, not about others. Not that little sick b***h, not the bullshit so called and self proclaimed authorities in a position to judge upon me that treated me unreasonably as shit, not the idiot political decisions that made me being forced to incorporate with the banks to deal my credit to get the money to finally finish my scholastics and for which I still pay my ass off without having a solid job and a proper income, not the fucked up situations at the manpower market, not my decision to choose a job in which I expected to be lucky but turned out to be it not that much and not that really, not anything else, it was just about me and a big bunch of wrong decisions over the last couple of years that I finally needed to set right again without putting the blame anywhere or at anyone else but me again. Play out the cards that were given to you and made the best out of it, play them as good as you anyhow can, even the cards weren't the best and even you've dealt the cards pretty much by yourself somehow and somewhere along the way, play them as good as only anyhow possible, and no one said that you weren't allowed to play hard, tough, rough and angry, as long as you play good in a way that benefits you and helps you to get up again and to rule you and your destiny finally again. For me and in my opinion there's only one real therapy and that is iron. No matter what you do with it, lift it, throw it, pull it, bite through it, but just work it out of your way. Things rarely come like they were planned by you once back then, things rarely work like they should do, and even when on many fronts nothing seems to work out and go on right, like it seemed to me looking at my life and what became out of it in the last four and especially the last two years or so, it's no reason to bow down, to lie down, to become weak, to don't get up anymore, to become what you despise, to build a easy comfort zone instead of rebuilding yourself and creating with this your life new. Pull and drag all that damn iron out of your way, no matter how much weight you feel on your shoulders, you are stronger, it's inside of you, so tear it from your heart and soul and mind, work through it, work with it, whatever and however, just defeat it. So the only therapy is iron or respectively iron is the therapy, my therapy, from my point of view. It's all about the hardships in life, you have to be harder to work them out of your way, to use them to benefit yourself and your dreams and aims. That's basically what I've experienced and finally done (again) in 2012, to see and to do this basically was all the meaning of 2012 and all meaning 2012 owns for me. A big, a huge, and a important meaning of and with a lot of weight for me. And why it's so important to me, the year of 2012: I (re-) focussed, and then I got up. And now for the first time in years I can calmly sleep save at night again.

This was only a short list of fronts I worked at with changing a lot in 2012 and I won't tell more about it, I think I already bored you enough with this inside view in my private life over the last two or so years but it just felt and still feels good to write it finally down and speak about it, even maybe just to and for me, myself and I. Just want to talk or write a little bit about my biggest passion, my sport: Bodybuilding. Bodybuilding and its meaning for me and my whole life today. It's incredible what a development and what a huge step, what a giant move forward I made in 2012. Not only talking about the results I worked my ass off and sweated my blood out for, screamed in pain my heart out for in the gym during my countless workouts, but also talking about my knowledge of training systems, workout styles and Bodybuilding philosophies and the whole training approaches, about the big steps forward in nutrition and supplementation, and so today I see already great results and can easily say that I look better than before and that I am much stronger and healthier than before. My whole life changed drastically over 2012, first slowly and with some backstrokes I lived through during working my failures of 2011 (and 2010 and 2009 and late 2008) off, but then more and more, and faster and faster. So today I eat clean and live straight, I live sober and clean, in short: Straight! I drink no alcohol any longer, smoking and doing drugs anyway had never been done by me so no news at this front, and I simply live and eat and drink and work and train and fight, sweat and bleed and love clean, straight, hard and honest, and it feels more than just good. I am still not there where I want to be, still not that strong and still got not that look but I am making huge steps to coming there and like in any other parts of and in life I simply refuse to give up. Bodybuilding teached me a lot and reminded of a lot of the lessons I grew up on growing up as a working class kid who knew very early about working hard and struggling harder. And who also knew early about the support of great parents who always tried what they could to back me up and to give me and my sister all the support and teach us all the lessons we need in life. Discipline, pride, honour, dignity, integrity, intelligence, strength, will to power and being a self-contained individual. And this I found all in Bodybuilding, that so became my new schoolyard. When I just did some Fitness Sports before I finally enetered the world of Bodybuilding in 2012 when I first stepped into the halls of the "TWINS GYM" in Goslar City ( and here and just thanks to especially Jörg as well as also to all the other good guys I met there and that helped me made my way into real Bodybuilding, Hardcore Bodybuilding, in particular especially beside Jörg his brother Peter, Stefan, Flo, Eddie, Manuel, Sven, Steffen, Viktor, Tim, Ponto, Alex, and Jan. So from the autumn of 2012 on I made my steps and did my homework with growing on to 130 kg at the end of 2012 and then with the start of 2013 kicking in the plan of "Maximum Definition", so I changed then drastically my nutrition plan, grabbed some right supplements to back it all up and kicked in pure Beast Mode at working out, heavy and more heavy, intense and more intense with my weight training and also excessive, intense and drastic cardio training I added to it. Now I am down to around 107 kg in around three month and more is yet to come, and my back, legs, shoulders and arms are already very well defined and the best is yet to come. And also I am growing stronger and stronger, with big muscles to come up under the melted unwanted mass. And, very important, also Jane joined cheerfully me and my dedicated passion for Bodybuilding and so today we are working out together, and this is pretty important when you keep in mind that I work out four or five days a week, partially also six days, and when you add this up to the work in my job and some of the other daily grind stuff and keep in mind that the workouts are only a small part of it all you get an good idea of how many time the lifestyle called Bodybuilding needs, not at least because it's not just about the workouts because at the end of the day is also even more a small part of it, and so it's in more than one ways good that Jane is there at my side and not only supports me but also decided to join me. So, yeahr, I can't wait for the future to come. But, like I've written somewhere above, waiting is no option but working for it is and so I do it with all my heart, soul, passion, strength, and pride and this not only in Bodybuilding but in every aspect of my life and to relight this fire and to remind of this lessons that I somehow lost along the way Bodybuilding was and is the best teacher for me. You may can say: Bodybuilding, a metaphor for life. For life as a whole story to tell. So, it's easy: Don't wait for it, work for it!!! I waited too long, forgot too much, became too depressive, too apathetic. I was so fed up with this all and not at least with me, myself and I, and so I finally changed it (and it was really about time for me to change to it) and I changed nearly it all drastically, and so I stopped waiting for it and finally started working for it again and so finally I found back to sleeping calm at night. Don't ask what anyone or anything can do for you, just care about what you can do for and by yourself, for you and the ones you love most. That's the way that leads to success. To real success. The only way. So, like I've said: It' about you, and that's the way that leads to success!!!

So you see, 2012 was a very important year on many fronts for me and so, before I now come to talk about aspects like music and something you may can call scene related stuff concerning 2012 just let me say thanks for your attention so far and just let me finally say to this all that 2012 was a year of working off old failures and righten the wrongs and surely it's all still work in progress on many fronts but I've come a long way since then so far, already a long way, and I don't care how much longer this way will turn out to be, I march on it to the end anyway. I refuse to give up. To give in is not an option. I just give it all I've got. And make it worth it. That was 2012, a year of working off the old and rearranging to start to create finally something new out of the old, and this you could also see up here on this very blog this very year of 2012 very well, no matter if you've just had been a attentive and more or less regular reader or just a unregular reader, and if you are this, which means a regular reader, and you are this already for a little bit longer then you also got back then that 2011 was fucked up and became more and more fucked up or at least you may noticed in 2011 that something was wrong and that 2012 got more and more better finally again, even especially the first half was a lot about working the mentioned old stuff off. I think that was very clear to see by anyone reading this blog more or less regular and at least only a little bit attentive. So thanks so long for your attention and interest and to reading through it all so far, and now we leave the personal level, enough of me, myself and I ego-trippin', and now respectively then in part II some words, surely also a lot of some words more about and to music and scene stuff in 2012.

This was 2012 from my totally personal standpoint, in the next chapter, the Chapter II of this unplanned but so out-turned posting series you will get all my thoughts on music and more, scene and subculture or however you may like to call it else, that happened in 2012. Just read the next post, and enjoy it.

Okay folks, this had been the first post of the little five posts including posting series that my "Retrospection 2012" accidentially due to the incompetence of Blogger turned into. This was a very personal and private inside view, maybe you can say some "Egotrippin'" of/by me, anyhow, and now we come to the up here very next part which will be dealing with the music of 2012 and also bringing some at least up here new ideas and fresh approaches to well-known formula of doing this things up here this way, so be prepared for it that you now-a-days not only get the well-known top ten of the year list here by me for you but even really hell a lot more. Interested in it? Great, read on! :-)
(Always remember this!!!)
Note: Just in case that one more time again Blogger fucks things up and refuses to show the posts on the following next sites in the correct running order and swallows up or better down again the following parts of this posting series you can check out the entry file on the reight of the screen named "Retrospection on 2012 Posting Series" where you find all five parts, or you check the following links to the four following parts out -
- Part I, the private life and personal stuff (the very post you've read right now) =
- Part II, the music'n'stuff =
- Part III, all the other stuff =
- Part IV, my personal favorites and highlights of 2012 up here =
- Part V, from 2012 to 2013 and all what will change up here =
And here you can find all the five parts collected into one big category block:
Hope you will enjoy it!!!

(That's how it is!)

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