(Released - at least in form of this particular DVD edition under that name/title - in: 2014)
Hey folks, it's been a while, a very long while now... oh no, not what you think, not in case of this blog in its whole entirely but just and this very definite in case of the ''Movie Reviews'' up here. The last one was from now on posted nearly two years ago, oh man, so you or I or we maybe could say that it is definitely really and truly by far about time that a new one, a new "Movie Reviews" post/article is finally coming up. (At least from my point of view.) Okay, and so here it is, the first new "Movie Reviews" post in or since nearly two years and it's a review on one of the finest examples of the art of movie-making and its highest stand of play today, a review of one of the very finest examples of how great and intense and grapping and atmospheric and sheer overwhelming and outstanding amazing a movie today can really be, because this is a movie that definitely defnies the highest of the high standards of really quality movies of today totally new in a drastic, radical, and yes, in an even extreme way, this is a review on... pffffff, nah... this is a review on of the most shittiest crappy movies ever made and released, a review on one hell of a total cineastic farce that carries the title: "SNOW SHARKS"; and so now here it comes:
First of all I have to admit that I don't really have any clou why the hell ever this whole "Shark Slasher" or "Shark Horror" stuff as a subgenre of this whole "Beast Horror" or "Beast Slasher" thing enjoys itself so much support this days with countless movies being made and released and somehow celebrated, from "SHARKTOPUS", "SHARKNADO", "TWO HEADED SHARK ATTACK", "ZOMBIE SHARK", "GHOST SHARK", and to how-ever else this mostly totally abysmal countless legions of pretty much mostly identical crappy cineastic infamous actions may else ever be named. One of the very rare few better ones (not good ones in the sense of a good movie, hell no, but one of the better ones of this round dance of bullshit) was or is "SAND SHARKS" with it's pretty funny weird story and a somehow not totally embarassing cast, and with a sexxxy bombshell like Brooke Hogan playing very convincing the role of a well-fortified scientist - not. And here is the successor of "SAND SHARKS", titled "SNOW SHARKS". And after in "SAND SHARKS" the sharks thought that the oceans and the water weren't enough for them anymore and started to swim through the sand and this even more deadly and even more vicious and incredible fertile now this time here in "SNOW SHARKS" the sharks climbed the mountains and started to swim the snow, like the title suggests, hm, but that's not that all correct because rather than they climbed the mountains to swim in the snow and hunting skiers the sharks or in fact and by far better the "SNOW SHARKS" bombed right down to earth and into the snow from out of the dephts of space, so it's like alien sharks with the ability to swim choosed the snowily winter in one godforsaken U.S. American small mountain town with its wanna-be tourist/holiday spring-break-in-the-snow-party paradise as their chosen hunting time and place and now they are on the hunt for fresh human flesh to still their ever growing hunger for, of course, human flesh and blood. So the totally crappy but really funny and in a symptahic way absolutely weird and childish "scientifical" explanation that was created and used to explain why the sharks now prefer to swim in the sand instead of the water that was used in "SAND SHARKS" was thrown into the junk bucket and instead of this here in "SNOW SHARKS" the makers fob us with a lame and ordinary alien and magic/paranormal phenomenon dingle-dangle. And as if this wouldn't be already worse enough with this change of directions in the explanation and background story of the movie the makers also cutted the role of the sexxxy and well-fortified scientist from the movie, and with this they also cutted Brooke Hogan from their new over-natural and now even extra-terrestrial shark beasts movie. Okay, if you want to see her, which means Brooke Hogan, again taking on the fight against over-natural shark killing machines than check out "TWO HEADED SHARK ATTACK", in which she plays also very convincing and very reputable a biology scholar on an expedition - not. Hm, but Emily Adison is taking her place in "SNOW SHARKS", she seems to be or shall be be a well-known U.S. Hardcore Porn Star but after I am not that familiar with Porn (because I prefer real Sex compared with giving me the five by myself, so sorry but maybe just ask the almighty Google gods and you will pretty sure get a quick answer or far more than just one answer in which format you ever want) I can't even tell you who she is and who she acts here in "SNOW SHARKS". But maybe that's all also not the important anyhow, because after pretty much all the in parts more hot and sexy and in other parts less hot and sexy and in some parts just totally cheap and lousy girls - or should I say babes...;-)... - that act their parts here in "SNOW SHARKS" look more or less like Porn Stars and big and by human hands optimized boobs are jumping up and down on screen all the time I am pretty sure that you will find enough to look out for, in case you are looking for some Porn like, hm, let us say: "atmosphere". And in fact due to all the half-naked girls and all the optimized jumping boobs you can easily get the impression that you are looking a Porn movie, at least one of the Soft Porn kind... something that mostly all the "Beast Horror" or "Beast Slasher" movies know to, ah, okay, let us say to "gleam'n'sparkle" with... I think you get what I am saying with this... so just let us say that "SNOW SHARKS" perfectly lives up to the fullfillment of this cliché or standard that ones had been set (by whom ever else, but Sex - still - sells - best - , I guess), and so it's maybe perfectly aimed at its dedicated and passionated target group, who knows. So okay, now you have all the background informations that you need, but before we now go on to the story and all the other stuff I just will close this part or paragraph of this review post or article with saying that I also today and even more after watching "SNOW SHARKS" still don't have a single reliable clou why this whole "Shark Horror"/"Shark Slasher" stuff enjoys itself so much sort of fame these days. Maybe because of the Soft Porn "atmosphere", but if so then why not watch right up a (Soft) Porn, why the need for all the sharks... but here's maybe not the place for discussing something to which no real answers may can ever be found... and especially is here not the place for any psychological discussions about primal fears and/or fetishs, so just let us go ahead.
After all the background informations now let us come to the story and the acting here of and in "SNOW SHARKS": So, okay, to the story pretty much all is said above, so expect over-natural alien sharks swimming the snow hunting their human prey and leaving the snow blood red. Beside the changed explanation and the changed place the story and the characters are pretty much exactly the same as in "SAND SHARKS". Plutocratic and nepotistic business men and local politicians want to unleash one hell of money making spring break party week machinery and kick it off not worrying about first missed persons and first blood ruts in the sand, nah, in the snow and even less caring about the crazy warning talkings of a old crazy grumpy guy that rides the snow with his sled dogs and his automatic rifles and knows of the unleashed alien sharks on their hungry hunt, and so the mayhem and the killing in the snow begins. Also a lot of the happenings of "SAND SHARKS" had been re-used in "SNOW SHARKS", like for example the bike race in or over the sand dunes, just that they ride here a snowmobile race over the snowy hills, just as one of many examples. Pretty funny is also that the spring break party (week) here in "SNOW SHARKS" is named a total success (before the killing really kicks off) but you just see a handful of guys run around, exactly like the beach-techno-party-festival in "SAND SHARKS" was a total success with its twenty or something like this visitors... Beside this also the characters are totally exchangable with the characters displayed in the precursor movie: So expect "tons of" big boobed half naked crying optimized babes, lame wanna-be "heroes" (that are, of course, well-served roughnecked U.S. Marine Corps heroes already at the age of twenty-five or so), a weird and crazy pretty Redneck like styled local old grumpy men knowing the deal and more or less coming from out of nowhere, corrupt business men and local politicians and their dumb and smug sidekicks, and faceless and very often big boobed victims non stopp, okay, you know the deal. Hm, but even anyhow real creativity would maybe be really too much expected maybe a little change of the formula is something we still could have asked for anyhow. Maybe... even it seems that maybe not. Beside this expect also a happy end in the face of many bloody deaths and some at the end insightful evil scoundrels, and a total bullshit end or a total crappy analytic explosion of how the alien shark trouble is solved in the end, but more I won't tell you about this masterstroke of creative storywriting and cineastic storytelling, trust me, you have to experience it for and by yourself to really believe it. But be aware of it, because it comes so quick and unflashy and without any attracting attention - like it had also started - so that you easily can miss it. Ah, but be sure that it's also an open end, so that the door is not closed for a part two of the attacking "SNOW SHARKS" from outta space... good news, right...?!? To the acting I will spare me any words beside one: Abysmal. That's enough. And, btw, that's also the only thing that can be said about the german synchronisation, so let us keep it short. Just some short more words to the cast: beside the above already mentioned U.S. Porn Star Emily Addison the other "big names" in/of the "SNOW SHARKS" cast are Kate Nauta (known - maybe even not so good, at least in my case - from "TRANSPORTER II: THE MISSION"), Eric Scott Woods (known - but also not so good, again at least in my case - from "JONAH HEX"), and Gina Holden (unknown to me, acted in the garbage movie "FINAL DESTINATION III", so it's no wonder why she is totally unknown to me), hm, and maybe they all were totally desponded or desillusioned or high on bad drugs or in serious fiscal troubles or simply too long out of work and too untalented for making any other better movies than stuff like this or what ever reasons else drove them to acting their parts here in "SNOW SHARKS", nah, but I can't imagine that this will benefit their careers in any positive way after all. And btw, just to close this lines then let me tell you that to the incredible special effects only one word can be used to describe them properly, and I think I used it already above and just short before here and now, because this word is: Abysmal. Or better: ABYSMAL!!! Some so incredible crappy garbage I haven't seen in a long, long while. While the special effects in "SAND SHARKS" were all the way totally okay and even pretty cool and really pretty good for a B-Movie the special effects used here in "SNOW SHARKS" are worser than worse. You don't even see one single "complete" shark for only one short time, no... I think more words don't need to be wasted on it, all is said. Just let yourself not be fooled by the after all still somehow pretty cool cover art of the DVD. Ah, last words here: The movie jumps right and straight into the action, no tension is being build, no atmosphere is being created. But that's pretty much how this all "Beast Horror"/"Beast Slasher" stuff of today works in general, so not blaming the "SNOW SHARKS" for it... or not that heavily, at least. So better let us close it here and now.
That also counts for the whole review on "SNOW SHARKS". The movie is bullshit and after all even worse than for example a creative explosion and cineastic masterstroke like "TWO HEADED SHARK ATTACK", and it's definitely far worse than its precursor movie "SAND SHARKS", even it's a nearly complete (but also nearly complete crappy) copy of it, and without "SAND SHARKS" being a really good movie after all, just to make this clear. The only things that speak for "SNOW SHARKS" are:
(1.) It's after all very often so cheap, crappy, and bad that it's again pretty funny and entertaining, especially when you see and use it as sort of a party movie. So pack your living room full with good friends and some crappy but tasty junk food and fill your fridge or ice box with some beer and other alcoholic drinks, and I mean a lot of it, as well as some big loads of in best case sugar and coffein fueled soft drinks for the poor guys that need to drive the rest of the pack home later that night, put "SNOW SHARKS" in your DVD player (I'm pretty sure that also a Blue-Ray version is out, just if you want to experience and enjoy the special effects in Blue-Ray quality...), open some brews (which means a lot of brews), and then let the fun begin... and trust me, it's by far more than enough when you just let the movie run on your screen in the background of funny conversations with your good friends, you won't have any problems to jump into the story and action again on any desired point of the running movie, and you surely won't miss anything. It's a pretty entertaining "party" movie after all, and that's it. And maybe that's after all enough and all you can a movie like this ask for... it's pretty sure all.
(2.) The second - and last or final - reason or thing that speaks for this movie is simply the even more abysmal competition in the "Shark Horror"/"Shark Slasher" genre, because if you have only watched for one time the overgalactic masterstroke that in fact is the almighty "SHARKTOPUS" then you will know that compared with this piece of "art" the "SNOW SHARKS" are gifts of god... This also counts when you look at this whole "Beast Horror"/"Beast Slasher" genre in its whole entirely, because just for example compared with "PIRANHACONDA" the "SNOW SHARKS" also nearly rule... decide for yourself if this is now speaking for "something" or maybe against that certain "something"...
That's all, I think I've said all and also enough, by far enough, so if you are a fan of completly thrashy B-Movies (or maybe we should here in this particular case better talk about X-,Y-, or even Z-Movies) and you want a new "party" movie to laugh about and being entertained by while drinking beer, eating junk, and talking and laughing with your friends and you see "SNOW SHARKS" for not a too high price then maybe give it a try and buy it for your next good time movie nights with some good friends, but be sure that this is anything but a recommendation of/by me. And also be sure that if you want a movie like this for a happening like this then for example "SAND SHARKS" or even "TWO HEADED SHARK ATTACK" would be better choices, in case you don't have and/or know them already. So, after all the movie gets the well-deserved rating that you will find right under this line, and then that's all for now which means for this very review, but I really missed Brooke Hogan - not.
Rating: 2 of 10 points
(Due to a Babe - factor of 9 of 10 points, hahahaha...;-)...!!!)
PS: The movie is released under several different names, beside "SNOW SHARKS" the best known one is maybe "AVALANCHE SHARKS", so don't be fooled when you stand in the shop before them both and really think of buying them both.
Here's the trailer (but in german) of "SNOW SHARKS", so that you maybe get an even better impression of what awaits you, nah, and no, it's really not a Soft Porn movie: